Flexible and transparent pricing
No matter how healthy you are, we'll find a way not to pay
The Barely There Plan
Equivalent to only one kidney payment per month!
- Deductible: So high you'll need to hit the lottery just to start using your benefits.
- What’s Covered: If you get hit by a comet while wearing roller skates in Nebraska between the hours of 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., you're in luck! Otherwise, good luck.
- Doctor Network: A highly exclusive club of physicians, located in towns you’ve never heard of, who only accept payment in vintage Beanie Babies.
- Prescription Coverage: Includes generic aspirin and expired Flintstones vitamins. Name-brand meds? Sure... if you take out a mortgage.
- Bonus: Free access to a YouTube playlist of motivational health tips!
The Gold-Plated Unicorn Plan
Only one small sacrifice to the gods of capitalism.
- Deductible: A mere $12,000... per eye.
- What’s Covered: Everything! (As long as you submit 42 forms, wait 6-8 weeks, and learn to speak fluent "insurance-ese.")
- Doctor Network: Nationwide access to specialists who will play peek-a-boo with your problems before referring you elsewhere.
- Prescription Coverage: Brand-name meds are covered—after you've completed a scavenger hunt and survived a duel with the insurance underwriter.
- Bonus: A personalized greeting card signed by a former insurance executive saying, "Good luck, you're gonna need it!"
The Meh-dical Coverage Plan
Equivalent to your monthly student loan or a designer handbag, your choice.
- Deductible: Lower than your will to live after reading it, but not by much.
- What’s Covered: Anything between the common cold and a sudden existential crisis. Major surgery? Only if it's really funny.
- Doctor Network: A wide selection of doctors who work Monday to Thursday, 11:03 a.m. to 2:47 p.m. (excluding holidays and when the weather is "feeling uncooperative").
- Prescription Coverage: 10% off a yoga mat and some chamomile tea. Need life-saving medication? Sorry, that’ll cost extra.
- Bonus: A free stress ball shaped like a bill collector—perfect for squeezing while trying to pay your premiums."
JackKage
CEO
Bob Sausage
COO
Henry Carpet
CTO
Keith Suntan
Head of HR
Phillip Prawn
CMO
Customer feedback
what our customers say
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Karen Karenface
April 3, 2024The doctor spent 3 minutes with me, charged me $500, and told me to ‘Google it.’ Fucking hell, at least buy me dinner first before screwing me like that.
Karen - Verified Purchase -
Harry Johnson
January 19, 2024I waited two hours just to have a nurse look at me like I’d grown a third nipple, then sent home with a lollipop. Thanks for the world-class care, assholes.
Harry - Verified Purchase -
Teddie Jet
December 21, 2020They treated me like a goddamn VIP—Very Ignored Patient. Seriously, they spent more time discussing their lunch plans than my broken fucking arm. How am I supposed to drum you fucknuts?
Teddie - Verified Purchase -
Rex Havoc
December 05, 2021Got diagnosed with ‘you’ll be fine, probably’ after a five-second glance from Dr. What-the-Fuck. I’m surprised they didn’t just hand me a Band-Aid and tell me to go fuck myself.
Rex - Verified Purchase -
Kal Strong
April 05, 2022After three visits, my symptoms got worse, but hey, at least I now have a ‘Follow-Up Appointment PTSD’ support group. Fuck this place.
Kal - Verified Purchase